My head feels so numb lately… don’t know why. Maybe the anti-depressants. 

It makes it very hard to work on my scripts.

It makes it very hard to think in general. 

I made this video almost a year ago when I went back on my meds again. I did the music that pays in the video too. 

Also that last shot is pretty deep for me.

For the first time in weeks I was able to wake up when I wanted. This past week getting out of bed was especially hard. I spent most of Sunday in bed. In deep depression, out of it. That was the worst it had gotten recently.

That and other mental problems helped me make my decision to once again go back on antidepressants. I take a strong dose of the generic of Prozac. I hate being on them but did not want to get worse. I don’t like being down to the point of Sunday.

So I woke up this morning before my alarm. Tired but awake. The back of my brain has been very dark lately but today it felt like a dim light that was flicking had been turned on. And that’s better than nothing.

My current thoughts on depression… been down a lot lately. No reason, just I get down. 

I feel like I’m always drowning. Was there a time when I wasn’t? My lack of memory tricks me into thinking that it used to be easier. 

I don’t know.

Lately (or always, who knows) I feel that I just can’t get anything done. Everything and everyone wants to fight me over the smallest things. There are no breaks. Cause even when I step away everything that needs to be done is still on my mind. Gnawing away, eating more holes into my brain. 

I need a new computer set up. This one is dead. I know it won’t get better, I just keep trying to squeeze life out of it. I don’t want to buy a new one till something happens. Anything, big, little, whatever. I sell another video, one of my movies gets into a festival. Anything just to justify the expense to me. I upgraded my camera and software and this computer can’t handle it. So trying to use the awesome kick ass camera and editing software becomes a nightmare. Why the fxck am I still trying to get a decent DVD quality compression of my last movie, “StereoType”? I’ve made like 50. All are crap. Fine for the net but not DVDs. 

I’ve been dieting like crazy the past months and really kicking it into high gear this past month. 180. I’ve been running till I can’t breathe. 180. I’ve been biking for hours in the cold. 180. I’ve been taking weight loss pills, three different types sit by my bedside right now. 180. 

I was 169 this summer then went on a stupid medication and over night 180. I should be on Prozac now but refuse due till I loose some of this god damn weight all the other meds caused. Struggling with this stupid weight issue feels like I’ve been punching a brick wall. Nothing is moving. People tell me it’s not my fault. They slowed down my metabolisim to make me sleep years back. But I work in internet videos and TV. I know I make more money when I am skinnier. I just wish the weight thing was one less thing I had to constantly fight. 

Has it always been a struggle? Was I happier before? I can’t remember. Do I just feel this way lately cause I need to be back on the antidepressants? 

I’m trying to make changes. I just needs a few things, hell just one thing, to stop fighting me every step.